Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths

Proverbs 3:5-6

How many times have we heard that and never understood what it means to trust God with all our hearts. I have found giving control of my life to God extremely difficult. Leaning on Him meant He was in control. I was never going to let that happen. You see for most of my life someone else has been in control. And with God I wanted to meet him on my own terms. It was all so easy to lean on him for other people. But I was not going to completely trust him for myself. We always seem to understand God from our own points of view. Not from God's point of view. This is really leaning on our own understanding.

One day I was reading to my children a book about the life of Joseph. I came to the part when Jacob wrestled with the angel and God touched his hip. My daughter interrupted me and asked why God hurt Jacob. My son said "yeah its not fair he was winning!" I didn't have an answer so I just said sometimes we struggle with God.

The next day I was sitting in church and the message was about Jacob and his wrestle with the angel. I thought this was amazing and I told the Pastor about having just spoken about this the night before. He replied "Maybe God's speaking to you" I thought about it for about two seconds and said "No, I'm not struggling with God. I have nothing to fight with Him about."

Two days later I went to get results from an MRI. I was pretty scared about the results I thought I might have a tumour or MS. The results that came back were just as scary although I had never dreamed of this. The Doctor told me that I needed to go home arrange for someone to look after my children and come back in for an urgent operation on my neck. If I didn't have the operation I would be a quadriplegic within two years. She also said that there was already damage to the spinal cord. You see I had a disc in my neck that had prolapsed and was pressing on my spinal cord

That night I dreamed that I was Jacob and I was wrestling with God. He said I will touch your hip lean on me and trust not your own understanding

When I went back to the surgeon. He explained that the operation involved taking a bone graph from my hip and placing this on the disc in my neck.

I figured that was what the dream meant. But that wasn't it. God's understanding is not my own. The night before the operation I yelled at God. I asked WHY? I was winning I had fought so many battles. Why did he want me to keep fighting. I pick up the bible and read these words "Trust in the Lord with all your heart. And lean not on your own understanding."

I finally understood. I didn't need to fight. I needed to let God win. That night I surrendered all to God . I leant on him. And then things weren't so frightening. Battles no longer seem unwinnable.