shattered dreams

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Shattered dreams

When my children were born. I never thought their lives would be as hard as they have been. I just never dreamed their father would hurt them as he has. I didn't pick up on the little things that happened. Things like smacking a six-month-old baby for crying. I had never believed his former wife when she told me he had sexually abused his other children. I thought everyone would simply love their children. I guess I should have looked at my own family closer, but I wanted to believe in the fairy tale. At this stage you must be thinking that this woman is blind she must have known something.
Unfortunately, many mothers hear this and feel so torn up with guilt it cripples their lives. Truth is sometimes they often don't want to know or don't trust their instincts. Especially when they are being abused themselves. I guess in their own hearts they know. Well I did. When there is fear you will make excuses or blame yourself. I thought everything in my relationship that was wrong was because I wasn't doing things right. When I caught my children looking at pornography, I believed their father that it was a mistake. When he locked them in their rooms for days and weeks at a time I blamed myself for not keeping them good. When I let them out of their rooms while he was at work I thought he was right when he belted me for it. I thought I could protect them from beltings. But I couldn't. Truth is I could never have protected them, whilst I stayed there.
I thought I shielded the children from the abuse I was getting. Imagine my shock when my son told the police he hated his father for hurting his mother in the bedroom at night. Imagine my shock when he told me only just the other night that used to hear me crying in the shower after his father left the bathroom Truth is you cannot hide Domestic Violence from your children. If you are being abused your children are being abused too. My son had post traumatic stress syndrome because of the abuse he witnessed. My daughter has severe phobia because she witnessed abuse. This was made even worse for my children because they too were abused physically and emotionally. They were sexually abused too when they were exposed to pornography.
Children are deeply affected by domestic violence even if they themselves are not directly abused. Trauma is one of the worst effects of domestic violence on children. If I can do something here it is to let someone know that if they are being abused and their children witness it their children are being hurt too. See your children love you unconditionally. They also love the abusive parent with the same unconditional love. Jesus was right when he said
"And he said, Assuredly I say to you. Unless you are converted and you become as little children, You will by no means enter the Kingdom of Heaven"
Matthew 18:3
Post traumatic stress, panic disorders, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Phobias are just some of the effects of Domestic Violence on children.
Often children who have been abused have severe behaviour problems. The parent who is left to pick up the pieces is also reeling from the shock. The one thing I have found in my own life is that my children were actively taught to disrespect me. They wouldn't obey me and at one stage I thought that I was everything their father said I was a bad mother who couldn't even disciplene her children. I wasn't . I did however have to spend a long time gaining respect. I felt very isolated because I was scared to take them anywhere. A lot of people didn't understand that they just needed time and love.
Often the child who stood up for their parent in the relationship, starts hitting out at the parent they tried to protect after they have left. This is common. The truth is a child should never have to protect their parent. This happened to me. I never realised how often my son thought he had to protect me. I thought I was protecting him. One day he said "I should have let him kill you, I should never have looked after you" I broke down and cried I told him that was never his job. A child's job is to be loved cared for and protected not the other way around.
I couldn't protect them. I know that now. God can though. I have seen his wall of protection surround them. My son told me that angels used to sit around his bed at night when he heard his father hurting me.
My daughter tells me very little because the abuse has left her withdrawn and getting her to open up is hard. Slowly with love and prayer she smiles talks to people and laughs. She has even started to see her gifts. She is a talented artist and lately she has started to show everyone who will look her drawings. This can only happen through the healing power of God. But a telling story about what she thinks is in her art. She once drew me a picture of how she felt after we left him. It had these words under it "I was sad and I then I was glad". She is my sweet gentle little angel.
My little boy once told me that before we were Christians God had one hand on us. After we became Christians he had two hands on us. He is a wise little boy.
Abuse is never acceptable and should never under any circumstance be excused.

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