I was so happy during my pregnancy with Jason. I was married, 20 years old
and I did everything my doctor told me. I ate right, got proper rest and exercise.
We eagerly perpared the nursery and awaited the arrival of our first born.
Jason arrived after only 2 hours of labor on a Tuesday morning at 5:30 June 25th 1974.
We were thrilled to have a beautiful healthy son. We named him Jason Mark Cook
The Mark was after my older brother Mark.
My husband Doug and I proudly took him home 4 days later and began our new life together.

Even though I lacked experience as a new mother I sensed that something wasn’t
quite right with Jason when he was just 2 months old. He wasn’t doing things
that other babies his age were doing. I voiced my concerns to his doctor who assured me
that I was just being over cautious and not to worry so much. My concerns increased
as Jason got older. He was having difficulty drinking his bottle, he barely opened his eyes,
and he couldn’t even hold a rattle and his arms and legs seemed to always be drawn up tight.
He wasn't making the normal baby sounds either. At 4 months we took him to an opthalmologist
in Columbus. We learned that Jason had been born with congenital cataracts.
I too had been born with them. He underwent surgery at 6 months and I stayed with him
while my husband returned to Toledo.

Dissatisfied finally with his doctor at 8 months I took Jason to a pediatrician.
I will never forget that day. His name was Dr Miller. He examined my son
and then picked him up under his little arms and without turning around and facing me
he delivered the devastating news. He told me that Jason was microcephalic, (small brain),
that he had cerebral palsy and that he was retarded. He added that Jason
would never walk, talk, or evem recognize that I was his mother. He then turned around
and looked at me and said “Well you look like you’re taking this ok”. Ok!
I was in a state of shock. I couldn’t say a word. My world had just been shattered,
my heart broke. The Dr. then added that the best thing for us to do was to put Jason
in an institution and forget about him. I could not believe what he had just said.
I took my son home and called my husband at work and told him to come home right away.
I thank God my mother was with me that day because I couldn’t stop crying.
When Doug arrived home in a panic I told him what the Dr. had said. That was the day
Jason’s father turned his back on his own son. I was angry at the Dr. who had been so cruel.
I was angry at God for allowing these disabilities in my son. I was angry at myself
because I thought maybe at some time diring my pregnancy I had done something wrong
for this to happen. But most of all I was angry at Doug for turning his back on our child.
Just when I needed him the most he did not give me any support. I knew then
that Jason would be solely my responsibility. Through testing we learned
that Jason's disablilities had been caused by a virus that I had contracted
early in my pregnancy. The virus was called toxoplasmosis. There are 2 ways to get it.
Either through cat feces or ingesting meat not cooked thourly enough.
We had no cat so it had to be from eating meat not cooked well enough.

I did not take the Dr.’s advice,; instead I decided that I would care for Jason myself.
The new pediatrician put me in touch with a visiting nurse who also provided information
on infant stimulation classes. We went every week and I started exercising Jason
at home on a daily basis. Feeding him was such a chore as he could not suck very well
so we got a special bottle with a lamb’s nipple. During the next few months
I received little help or resources. At that time I just didn’t know where to look.
Twice Jason had stopped breathing and I had to resusciitate him. The old Dr. had also said
that Jason could die at any time and as a result I checked on him constantly.
I would even get up in the middle of the night to see if he was still breathing.

By the time Jason’s first birthday came I was an emotional wreck mostly
from lack of sleep and exhaustion. I received little help or support from the medical profession.
It always came back to their advice to institutionalize him. I still refused
to do that to my son and I continued to care for him as best I could.
I became physically and emotionally worn out and I finally reached the point
where I realized that I could not care for Jason In the way he needed to be cared for.
I was 21 years old and knew nothing of caring for a child with disabilities
as severe as Jason’s. I did not know what to do at that point. I felt
everyone had given up on my son and I felt so alone.

I sat in church one Sunday and decided to put Jason in God’s hands. I would do whatever
he led me to do. I would do what was right and best for Jason. God sent me his answer.
At the age of 13 months I took him to the Miami Children’s Home to have him placed
in foster care. In doing so I so felt guilty and that I had failed my son.
But I knew in my heart that I had done what was right and best for Jason.
He needed the kind of care that I was unable to provide him with.

We were told that we would be called when Jason was placed with a foster family
and when a visitation could be arranged. Then one day came the call that my son had been placed
with a wonderful family in Fulton County, Wauseon Ohio. A visitation was arranged
so we could meet the foster parents. The day arrived and I was so excited
that I would see my son and yet I was nervous because I was afraid I would be
looked down upon for not being a good enough mother to take care of her own child.
.
It was a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon as we made the 45 minute trip
from our home to the Smith's. From the moment I met his foster mother I liked her.
I felt comfortable and at ease and a sense of reassurance that Jason was in good hands.
We took Jason for a walk to the park across the street from their house.
It felt so good to spend that time with my son. I so wanted to just take him
and go home but I knew I could not do that. I knew that moment that I could never
bring my baby home. He belonged with her. He would have a better quality of life with her.
After meeting Nancy I knew that my son would be loved and he would now receive
the care he deserved. That was the last time I ever saw my son.

After that visit I cried all the way home. I was torn over what to do.
Once again I prayed for an answer. God heard my prayer and in September 1975
we made the decision to terminat our parental rights. God, I didn’t want to do that,
I loved my son but I couldn’t take care of him and his foster mother could.
She was experienced in caring for children with disabilities. Believe me,
signing those custody papers was the hardest thing I had ever done.
I cried all the way home, I hated myself. Someone I loved so much was gone.
I felt a part of me had died that day.

I know in my heart I did the right thing by giving up my son. I loved him so much
that I was willing to let him go. The Dr. had said that he wouldn’t live very long
but at least with Nancy's love and care he would have the best life.
For 31 years I have always thought and wondered about Jason. I always remembered
his birthday and wondered if he was still alive enjoying his special day.
Whenever I was asked how many children I have I always included Jason.
I have never had any closure because I never knew what happened to him until early in May of 2006.
And quite by accident that I did find out what my heart desired to know.

Jason has 4 brothers and 1 sister. Steven was born March 19th 1976,
Shawn was born August 9th 1977, Seth was born June 16th 1979,
Sarah was born March 1st 1981 and a half brother Nicholas was born July 20 1987.
All were also born with the same vision impairment but are functioning quite well.
I had never until recently told Jason’s siblings the whole story of what happened
to their oldest brother. Now they are old enough and mature enough to understand
the reason why I gave him up. I pray that they don't comdem me an unfit mother.

My daughter Sarah and I were on the internet talking on messenger and she asked me
if I remembered Shawn’s SSN. I didn’t but I asked her if she was looking to see
if he was listed in the Social Security Death Index. One December 8th 2001
Shawn had died by suicide and he was listed in the SSDI. Out of curiosity
I asked her to type the name Jason Mark Cook, DOB June 25th 1974. She came back
a few minutes later with his SSN, DOB and DOD. I was stunned. I knew in my heart
that Jason had died but seeing it listed in the SSDI was something I wasn’t prepared for.
I now had lost 2 sons.

My first thought was to look for an obituary. I searched the net but found nothing.
I came across a Fulton County page and listed at the bottom was an email address
for the genealogist webmaster. I decided it was worth a try to send him an email
asking for the obit. A few hours later he sent an email asking for more detailed
background information. I provided him with an explanation of how Jason came
to live with his foster family. The next day he emailed me the news that he had
located Jason’s grave and he sent along a map and directions. I asked again
about the obit and he said he would go to the library and look in the newspaper archives.
Again an email came with the obituary. I instantly remembered the Smith's name
and was so relieved to learn that Jason had remained with them for 6 years until he died.
Mark Lozer is the man’s name. He called me verifying that the Smith's still lived
at the same address. I ordered a copy of Jason's death certificate and sat down
to write a letter to his foster parents. I was praying that they would contact me
and hopefully we could arrange a meeting. I wanted to take Jason'r siblings
with me to meet them so she could see what Jason whould have looked like as a young man.

I know Jason has been dead for 25 years and now I am able to grieve for him.
He was waiting in heaven when his brother Shawn arrived. I know John and Nancy
loved Jason very much and I am so sorry writing them brought back memories of him.
My intent was not to cause more pain and I am sure the letter came as a shock to them.
I am overwhelmed with the information that Mr. Lozer was able to find.
I am sad and my heart is breaking for another son lost but at the same time
I am relieved that after all these years I finally know what happened to my son.
The Smith's had him for 6 years and I only had him for 15 months.



The day Nancy received my letter she did call me. I was so shocked that she actually called.
We agreed on a meeting for the following Sunday. 3 of my children arranged
to go with me. My mother and sister also accompanied us. Nancy was waiting
on the sidewalk when we arrived and she mistook me for Jason's sister.
We laughed and I introduced my family to her. She gave me a few of Jason's pictures,
his birth certificate, copies of his obituaries, ribbons from his casket flowers
and the memorial book from his funeral. She shared many memories of my son and when
I showed her photographs of my children when they were very young, Nancy and I
commented that Jason and Shawn looked the most alike.

We went to visit Jason's grave.
There is a stone from Nancy's garden that is his head stone and on it is a plaque
bearing his name, birth date and death date. Nancy and I sat together on the ground
embracing each other as we both cried for the child we both loved.
I learned that Jason never walked or crawled or ran, that he was almost blind
but he was happy. He loved the sound of the morning doves while he and Nancy
waited for his school bus each day.



I am greatfull for knowing what happened to my little boy. I am content
to finally have the closure that I so desperately needed. But I am most comforted
knowing that my sons are together forever reunited in heaven, both free, able to run
and play and see and do everything they couldn't do here on earth and they are
waiting for the happy day when their mom will join them.









Music Is "Twinkle Little Star"