b) For book readers, get in close under the chin,
between eyes and book, unless you can lie across
the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork,
lie on the work in the most appropriate manner
to obscure the maximum amount. Pretend to doze
but every so often reach out and slap the pencil
or knitting needles. Sit on the paperwork they
are working on. Roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time,
push pens pencils, and erasers off the table,
one at a time. Embroidery and needlepoint make great hammocks.

d) When a human is holding the newspaper in
front of him/her be sure to jump at the back of
the paper. They love surprises.

e) Dart out quickly and as close as possible
in front of the human, especially: on stairs;
when they have something in their arms;
in the dark; and when they first get up
in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

f) When a human is attempting to "make the bed,"
hop on it and curl up in the center ,
or pounce on the sheet the human is trying
to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore
you by covering you with the sheets,
move around and try to mess things up.
Protest loudly when you're evicted.

g) Laundry presents many opportunities
to hamper. Laundry fresh from the dryer
is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft.
As soon as it is put down for sorting,
arrange yourself for a nap. If the human
removes you, keep returning until the laundry
isn't warm anymore. Now it's playtime.
Pounce on anything the human tries to mov
around for folding, especially socks and nylons.
For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed with it.



PLAY: This is an important part of your life.
Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are
fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are
listed below are several cat games.
It is important though to maintain one's
Dignity at all times. If you should have an
accident during play, such as falling off
a chair, immediately wash a part of your body
as if to say "I MEANT to do that!" It fools
those humans every time.



GAMES:
a) Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe
that those lumps under the covers are their feet
and hands. They are actually Bed Mice, rumored
to be the most delicious of all the mice in the
world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one.
Maybe YOU can be the first.
b) King of the Hill: This game must be played with
at least one other cat. Sleeping humans are the hill
which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s).
Anything goes. This game allows for the development
of unusual tactics as one must consider the unstable
playing field.

WARNING: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will
result in expulsion from the bed. Should the humans
grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle
up to them. This should buy you some time until they
fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human
when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King
of the Hill.

c) Tag: This game requires two or more cats and may
include a dog. One cat is It. The other(s) chase him
around the house until they catch up. Then follows
the Scrimmage, after which the cat who caught the
other becomes It and is chased around. Great fun but
has the greatest potential for loss of dignity from
maneuvers such as the Non-Carpeted Floor Skid and the
Throw Rug Wipeout. Whenever such a situation occurs,
all felines must immediately wash themselves.
Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and may
continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically
becomes It and should be subjected to the Pileup.

d) Tube Mouse: This is a game played in the bathroom.
Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft
white paper which is artfully attached to the wall
so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse.
When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin
frantically as it tries to escape from you.
When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright
and stops spinning.



TOYS: Any small item. If a human tries to confiscate
it, this means it is a Valuable Toy. Run with it
under the bed. Look outraged when the human takes it away.
Watch where it is put so you can steal it later.
Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and
wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.

a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins
should be hidden so the other cat(s) and humans can't
play with them. They are generally good for playing
hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
b) Dangling and/or string-like things such as shoelaces,
cords, gold chains and dental floss also make excellent
toys. They are favorites of humans who like to drag
them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a
string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug,
it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should
be killed at, all costs. Note that playing with shoe
laces when the human is trying to tie them is a great
source of Hampering.
c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small
and the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see,
but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make
as they scurry around the bag. Anything, including
shredding the bag, can be done to kill them.
Note: any cat you find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice
is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually
result in a great Tag match.



FOOD: Eating, however, is only half the fun.
The other half is getting the food. Cats have two
ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are
starving to death and must be fed "NOW" and hunting
for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave
the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are
not looking.
b) The best times to inform humans of your dish's
emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you,
such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet.
c) Should you catch something of your own outside,
it is only polite to attempt to get to know it.
Be insistent - your food will usually not be so
polite and try to leave.



SCRATCHING POSTS: It is advised that cats use anything
which is most useful to you. They are very protective
of what they think is their property and will object
strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it.
Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!



WATER: Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water.
Toilets are the next best. It is imperative that any sound
of running water be investigated immediately for a possible
drink. A plaintive meow and licking the faucet usually will
get most humans to turn on the tap.



VACUUM CLEANER: This appalling Beast is known by many names,
"Cat Eater" being the most prevalent. Humans will turn
into raging monsters while under its influence, sucking
up all the carefully shed cat hair and terrorizing
the feline residents with evil glee. All you can do is
run and hide.
Occasionally, the humans are forced to open the vacuum
cleaner and remove a swollen bag from within. This is
its stomach, and must be destroyed at all costs. Do not
worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really
that of the Beast in pain.



SLEEPING HUMANS: It is known that sleeping humans are
boring. The "direct approach" is nearly always successful
in rejuvenating a dormant human. Do one of the following:
Trample, purr, meow or head-butt. If the human is being
stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics,
such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, or singing
at the top of your voice. Eventually the human will get
up and do what you want, usually in a disgruntle manner.



MORNINGS: In order to provide for you, the humans must
leave the domain every morning (usually before you take
your first cat nap). To help them on their way, howl loudly,
massage their scalps with your claws, or gently bounce on
top of them in bed. See GAMES. The best time to do this
is about 24 minutes before their alarm clock goes off.
We must protect them from that blaring noise for it could
ruin their hearing.



MEDICINE: The vet is where your human takes you when you
are sick. The place smells funny; there are cats, dogs
and awful things like needles and pills. Don't let humans
cat-handle you. The following are some tips for dealing
with vets and medicine.
a) When you see the carrier come out, run and hide. Once
the human grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs
out so it is difficult to cram you into the carrier.
If the human is trying to put you in with another pet,
allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the car,
meow plaintively all the way to the vet's. Reach through
the bars of the carrier and claw the human as s/he drives.
At the vet's, once again splay your legs and brace yourself
against the carrier's walls so they can't dump you out easily.
b) At home, resist attempts to feed you pills or liquid medicine.
As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide.
Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good.
Shake your head vigorously to remove any medicine placed
in your mouth. Refuse any food that smells like it may
have had medicine sprinkled in it.



ILLNESS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing
up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is longer
then a human's bare foot.



CONCLUSION: Humans need to know basic rules. They can be
taught if you start early and are consistent.
You will then have a smooth running household.







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